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Rainy Days

Jun. 19th, 2014 | 09:54 am
mood: melancholymelancholy
music: Dag Nasty, Weakerthans, Wu Tang

It's been raining outside and on my face for a couple of weeks now. Just like the weather, there are sunshine breaks and moments of peace. The ever burning questions: why? Why!? The desire to change time, to go back in time. To be able to take action before it's too late. Losing you has been one of the hardest times for me. After 10 years you think you have moved on, created new cares... but the truth remains evident: some people, places and things will have your heart for a lifetime. I can't stop thinking about you and how far away you must have felt to take your life. I wish I would have told you that I never stopped loving you. That while I moved on with my life, you made a huge impact on me and who I am today. I would tell you how I wanted to tell you that a million times but feared stepping on toes, crossing boundaries. I wanted you to be truly happy. To have someone to love you as much as you loved them. You deserved that and so much more. You deserved to love yourself, and I believed you did. I believed your life was better than I could imagine. So I tried not to be jealous of those in your life, but I was. I fantasized about how things would be if we never parted ways. I never bothered you with these thoughts. Kept them to myself, no need to disrupt anyone's lives. Our time had passed and I owed it to you to let go of you. I did, but I kept an eye on you and asked your friends about you. Hoping to know you were happy. What a screeching halt! What a slap in the face! A shocking answer to my heartfelt curiosity.

I hear myself wince as I type this out.

I've been asking you out loud to make some kind of contact with me. So I know you are okay now.  I dreamt of you last night. I didn't get relief. I felt I was trying to convince you to refrain from making the already made decision to leave us. You didn't seem interested. I did get to see you backing up in my car with your best friend in the passenger seat. He had a few cartoonish scoops of ice cream on a cone. You had a snack- maybe a corn dog? I don't know where my mind was taking me... or you, but I am still glad I got to see you. Will you visit me again? I am not going to get over this. I have accepted the facts, but I am not done seeking answers.

I love you and I miss you and I am sorry we couldn't take away your pain.

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Six Years?

Apr. 19th, 2011 | 05:57 pm
mood: curiouscurious
music: minus the bear

I am back. I wonder if anyone else is out there - reading this.
I have not been keeping a journal. at all. I miss pouring my inner-most thoughts out just to get them out of my head.
I have a gorgeous man in my life. He is patient and gentle and keeps a major hard-on for me.
My sex drive has dwindled somewhat.  Not enough to stay away for more than a few days.
The wild years have passed. Mostly. I have been known to lose my inhibitions on occasion. Bare some skin, run the mouth.
Life has gotten both more settled and somehow more restless. It's something i've always struggled with: the inability to be content.
I try and I care, but I don't know if it is sufficient. I'm working towards changing my future a bit. Improve it's outcome.

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now i'm found

Dec. 17th, 2007 | 11:42 pm
location: bed
mood: determineddetermined

 Amazingly, this thing is still lurking in cyberspace. I am just getting ready for sleep & watching television simultaneously. Sleep makes work arrive too soon. I have to explore the world of sales tomorrow. I am not excited.  I don't want to shop my hotel around. It's mandatory. I'd really like a raise. I'm sure I don't stand alone in that desire. I also know if I stick it out, next year will be a good money year. Let's find out! 

Lately I have been reconnecting with some friendly reminders of my past. I am glad that people always seem to stay inside your personal universe. No matter how far they may travel, they somehow make their way back to say hi. That's nice. 

I am going home for New Year's. Should be fun. Interesting in a good way. Maybe I am just looking forward to my midnight kiss. I am very pleased that making plans confirms the level of fun I shalll be having. Good company will ensure a good time. 

Okay.. sleep is violating my alertness.

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hells bells

Apr. 2nd, 2005 | 05:12 pm
mood: determineddetermined
music: cure

goddamn! in 10 days i will be on my way to Thailand! HOLY SHIT!!! nothing has been going my way this week. last week was great! my boyfriend? is acting fucking strange. he is telling me he wants to be "selfish" right now. in other words-"SINGLE". fuck him! i have played this game for too long now. i fucking quit! a good 2 weeks in thailand will hopefully mend any wounds and clear my head. i don't understand anything at all right now.

'disintegration' is such a great album.

today is my brother's 23rd birthday- that makes me an official adult. as much as i avoid being one, it's unavoidable.

the one thing i won't complain about is spring. it's finally here and everything is turning green. i want to meet new people. i feel like i have lost all social skills. it's disheartening.

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wow...time flies

Feb. 11th, 2005 | 09:26 pm
mood: crushedcrushed

i am drinking a beer, sitting by myself. things have taken a turn i tried to avoid. what can you do. so it's been a whole week of living alone. he comes home some mornings between the wee hours of 5-8am. it's uncomfortable. i know he won't come home because i sleep in our bed. he sneaks in after i've gone to work. gone hours before i ever come home. i think it's kind of creepy. so i am home. i work at 10 am. drink a little, get a little buzzed, go to sleep. i will sleep in our bed again. going to thailand soon. i am waiting for my passport. let's see what develops.

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(no subject)

Sep. 28th, 2004 | 01:51 am
mood: excitedexcited
music: waiting for the new interpol tomorrow(TODAY) franz ferdinand

well... damn. It's been a minute... a very long minute.
goes like this...
Moved home. Stayed a few months, got it together(my shit) had the ball rolling.. Accident! 2 months of therapy and now I'm back in KCMO. Still in therapy. Need counseling probably.. i've recently decided. Finally got digi- cable/internet! Planning some pretty, new tattoos in time for the Voodoo Tatoo convention in Louisiana! Can't wait!! Been looking for a sexy-ish type costume to wear in New Orleans on Halloween!!! That time of year aain- the air smell so sweet! i'm mostly happy. got some new porn last night- the sex life is slammin! for lack of better blah blah blah...
maybe getting a hot tub in the very near future!! What what! been listening to a lot of radio friendly music- i can't help it! Franz Ferdinand is doing it for me- and I like the killers a lot!!
Just saw Those Peabody's in Lawrence a minute ago- they were tight- no one was there. Adam's hair was grown out a bit- he seemed pretty drunk- or maybe uncomfortable since i was with my boyfriend and the last time i saw him he gave me an orgasm. oh the anonymity!

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Jul. 29th, 2004 | 07:59 pm
mood: thirstythirsty
music: cure-all mixed up, bad wizard

i'm drinking beer and eating pills. my back has been achy. smoked a bit earlier and i'm feeling pretty mellow. jason and the family left for Vegas this evening. that means i am babysitting three kitties and a dog. sara also left town and that's where cat 3 comes in. i'm the animal keeper which is fine by me. i'm glad my friends ask me to keep their pets, i enjoy it. it's nice mostly because it's a temporary situation- not a lifelong commitment. i'm not ready for that right now. i'm discovering what a selfish person i am. oh well. so i got the place to myself and it feels pretty good. i'm trying to go to kc sunday for a few days. miss my boy.
i'm too out of it to continue.

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Jul. 27th, 2004 | 11:38 pm
mood: stressedstressed
music: cure, rocket

still going to the chiropractor. had an MRI last night and, by the way, hated it. i felt like i was in a coffin with a jackhammer busting asphalt like a halo around my head. they let me listen to music through headphones that were pretty old so they just added to the discomfort. 25 minutes! both of my arms fell asleep due to the instructions to be as still as possible. at one point i did find myself a little panicked by the tight space. tomorrow i'll hear the results at the chiropractor's office. i just want all of this shit to hurry and be over but i don't feel like my back or hand are healing so quickly. the last thing i want is to schedule my life around not only work, but also doctor's visits and so forth. it's very draining. i should be in bed and that's another disappointing fact.
i'm ready to get back to missouri and try to enjoy it. i've almost completely cleared up all debts and loans and think it's a good time to start over. as long as it's no colder than 70 degrees when i finally get back, i'll be OK that i missed summertime there.
what else..
i fucking DESPISE my job. natural food store corporate bullshit. that whole place is ridiculous and redundant! i am shocked and appalled on a daily basis and am getting so fed up.i hope i can stick it out long enough to reap the benefits of insurance. so far it's come in handy for my pharmacy visits. i have a long day tomorrow. chiro, prescription writing dr and work until 9. i dread it.
my eyes are closing on me..

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(no subject)

Jun. 20th, 2004 | 10:54 pm

did I mention I have severe whiplash, a bulging disk and pinched nerves? yeah, it feels real good.

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Fucked Up

Jun. 20th, 2004 | 10:41 pm
mood: soresore
music: new wet kojak

So I believe the last entry I made was Tuesday- Immediately after logging off I went to my friend's house to let the dog out because no one would be home for a few hours. Well, as soon as I left I made a left turn on 47th and was struck at 46th by a jackass who sped right through the BIG RED FUCKING STOP SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! My car spun a couple of times and jerked to a halt 3 houses east from the 4-lane I was rammed at. The dickhead in the wrong had a passenger who took off running from the accident as soon as they came to a stop.. he was like a 40 something, toothless black crackhead(I saw him when the police picked him up and later released him..????) So the guy who hit me is a 32 year old white guy, clean cut with a bike rack..a fishbone sticker on his bumper.. The jerk says to me " I just really want you to know I love my car.. I didn't want to hit you, I don't want to hit anyone"... UMMMMM..what the fuck, dude?? He tells me he was eating and didn't see the sign.. he was smoking rocks people! His friend ran away to ditch any evidence...I'm sure of it. The guy then tries to stroke my cheek and hold my hand like trying to comfort me since I was in shock and bawling- I can't believe he touched me! He had to be high! So I have been seeing a chiropractor.. this has really disrupted the flow of things. Missed a week of work, my car is completely TOTALED and basically this is one big inconvenience. The cops didn't issue a sobriety test on the driver- no one went to jail. I hate the police- lazy good for nothings! Been away from home all week also. Tomorrow I have a lot of shit to do and hopefully picking up a rental car is one of them.

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