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sleepy

Jun. 15th, 2004 | 06:34 pm
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: modest mouse, elastica(the menace)afghan whigs

I'm finally out of the hellole I sadly call work. I close tomorrow so I think it's time to get fucked up! I recently moved into a house with my buddy J. He and I knew this would happen. It's great, nothing sexual.

I've been talking to the heartbreaker for a little while now. Flew up north to visit a couple of times in the last month. His treat. Can't say I had a bad time. Can't say I am sure what to do. I miss the companionship and sex. I miss him. At the same time I am frightened things won't be the way I hope them to be. I keep prolonging the idea of moving back and I know I need to share my feelings of hesitation but I just haven't. I suppose he is expecting that I move fairly quickly. I still have summer plans. I was kind of wanting to go to Dallas and get a tattoo by someone other than him. The Adicts will be there soon and I really REALLY want to go!!! I just hope I won't be too broke...

Anyways.. I'm finally in my own room..which happens to have the computer in it so it works for me. Got cable, dishwasher, washer & Dryer, alarm, 3 porches... not feeling too depressed.

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it's getting old

Apr. 4th, 2004 | 05:25 pm
mood: crushedcrushed
music: cure, afghan whigs, anything depressing really..

i swear i was not meant to have a meaningful and successful realtionship with a man. i really thought i met the one. i really believed our love for each other would prevail over any rough spots, any dark clouds. i thought that would be proven this weekend. i only proved what i knew all along.. everyone who says they love me, leaves me. i'm not talking about my friends.. i'm talking about the people i open my heart and legs for. the person i give all my love, my trust. and once i do i wind up here, crying over a keyboard. this weekend i got some of my clothes, movies, books. i also re-opened the wound in my heart.

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it's cold

Feb. 25th, 2004 | 02:50 pm
mood: melancholymelancholy
music: arab strap

well, last night was pretty fun. Well, with the exception of certain comments yelled at me from certain people. I am really fuckin' sick of people abusing me verbally, especially people that are supposedly really good friends. don't take your own shit out on me. I'm depressed enough as it is. I am planning on seeking some counseling to maybe sort out my emotional problems. Let's hope it works b/c it's not fun walking around on the verge of tears all the time. Any random thought can create swells of tears in my face and it's affecting my well being. I'm either laughing it up or crying my eyes out..it's fucking weird. I can't seem to find my contentment level. I definitely don't want a new serious boyfriend for a long time. I can't do it obviously. I hope things start looking brighter......

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i've been here before

Feb. 23rd, 2004 | 01:01 pm
mood: gloomygloomy
music: kait0

well.. the drama never ceases.

I'm back. I am working at the record store today. Apparently the need to hire someone is swelling and i'm guessing(and hoping) it will be me. As for today, it's just help. The weather is dreary and I hope I don't have to deal with too many people. Kids are all in school though, so that eliminates a lot of potential for a rush while i'm here. Last night I slept at Jim and Steph's. We watched the Chappelle show (rick james, bitch!) again and laughed our asses off. That has to be some of the funniest shit I have ever witnessed. I was literally working out my abs. I couldn't even hit the joint b/c I couldn't stop laughing... damn, I needed that.

I made the decision a month ago that if I left MO. again b/c I was miserable or what-have-you, I would NEVER return. It's funny, I don't even miss it. I guess he's going to bring my stuff sometime this week.. and eventually I will be travelling back to get my large items ie. bed, couches, dresser etc.........
Passive aggressive people are hard to be with.. I know I am. Plus my life was starting to feel wasted.. never having anyone to hang out with other than my boyfriend. It can be really depressing.. and especially b/c out of the 35820-589284918 billion places I applied at, none called me. That's disappointing. I was very optimistic about it too. Maybe one day. So I am trying to be strong. I miss Steve though. I have to say, no other boyfriend has looked at me the way he did. As a matter of fact, I believe this was the first time I experienced mutual love. That's what helps I think.. because I KNOW he still loves me/is in love with me... and I am still too. I just can't be a housewife.

blah blah blah

so I'm stoked about some upcoming shows...especially during SXSW b/c a lot of bands will be heading here after they play Austin..so that's cool.

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Chasers

Jan. 26th, 2004 | 12:51 pm
mood: confusedconfused
music: nothing

Well, last night there was a going away party for a stripper I didn't know at the bar. It was fun enough.. Steph and I tried these 'Chasers' that you take to prevent hangover. They worked!

Well, last night I ran into an old flame who I hadn't seen in several months. I met his sort of girlfriend(they were on the outs) and he basically attached himself to my table. He made her disappear so he could talk to me and that was as uncomfortable as it was flattering! He babbled on and on about loving me and beautiful children and was concerned with my current happiness. I told him what was going on with my guy and that I WAS happy. It didn't matter because he was very drunk. I always wonder about him though and so of course this has my imagination running wildly with different possibilities. On one hand I LOVE my boyfriend and have even imagined my life spent with him. On the other, I have such a desire to meet different people and learn from them and develop and grow through them. I have a couple of people I am eternally interested in. And at this moment, I DO know I may definitely be spending Valentine's Day with the man whose bed I've shared over the past 9 months...yet I DON'T know if things will ever be back to normal or how things will turn out. I wish I would have just stayed put.
Over the last 3 days I have been called beautiful and told I look great.. apparently I am thinner than normal b/c I keep hearing how thin and great I look.. it's nice.

It's snowing and I dread going outdoors... but I think I get Mexican for lunch...

blah blah blah blah blah

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(no subject)

Jan. 23rd, 2004 | 09:44 pm
mood: soresore
music: riverboat gamblers

I'm sitting here waiting for Stephanie to get off of work. I'm tired and wasn't planning on going out, but what the hell. It's been awhile since i've gone out here and so I should be taking advantage.. especially since the boyfriend and I are planning on working things out, and I probably won't be moving back here.
I guess me taking off has allowed him to see what it's like not having me around, and he isn't doing so well. I kind of like that. I suspect he is wearing a new tattoo on his throat. One that pertains to me. As long as it's not my name, I will be flattered.

Been getting up at 8:30 and doing Tai Bo with Steph.. my shit is SORE! It really works! We tried on bikinis afterward and it's not looking too shabby...

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What the Fuck?!

Jan. 21st, 2004 | 09:58 am
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: pretty girls

So I am at Sara's at the moment... waiting on Christi to scoop me up so I can send off my credit card bill...fuckin' interest rates.

The Lover and I had a HUGE blowout and I packed my clothes into 5 bags and had Steph come get me. That was Friday- when I left.. We spent 2 evenings with her parents getting drunk. So I get home Sunday, drank some chapagne & Boulevard(not together) then happened upon some bars of xanax.. needless to say, most of the night is no longer with me. I was a good girl though, I was back here by 1:30, passing up the chance to hang out with Dead Meadow- gladly since I probably would have acted like a dumbass anyway. I got here, started eating my meat-free mex. pizza and in my slow stupor, realized I had missed like 5 calls from him. So we talked into the wee hours and didn't seem to resolve anything. We spoke for a couple hours again
lastnight.. we are both so stubborn. I don't want to go back until I feel like my feelings have been considered and my needs met. He wants me back on the next flight.. not quite yet.

God, Frankie is such a dumbass!! I've been catching up on my cable televison and the Real World is ON. I am horrible for being a long time fan of this show..but I guess it makes me feel better about myself. I guess Dave decided to have make-up sex or something.. after he sprayed her face with bleach??? He woke up with her in his bed saying they had great sex or whatever..
She also goes around wearing a beanie with 'fuck mtv' written in black permie marker...and told me "i'm not about what mtv is about" yet when I read the message board, she updates and responds to her "fans" who think she's "cool" & "different"..oh, and also "herself".
I think she emarrasses herself, tries to cheat on her boyfriend her VERY FIRST night there.. what the hell?
SHe loves it.

maybe i am jealous....
naaahhh..

I guess I will be going back to MO. sooner than later.. but I think I should let him come to me. As it stands, he will be visiting me in the near future. I am going to get some stuff taken care of around here.

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(no subject)

Jan. 7th, 2004 | 04:14 pm
mood: mischievousmischievous
music: pretty girls make graves, the rapture, turbo A.C.'s

Gotta make this quick!

Well, I'm here at the Library once again.. Searching for a stupid job.. I applied at the casinos here online. I applied for about 8937258 positions and so I will hopefuly get hooked up with one of them.

Christmas- Was pretty OK, My cell phone was all jacked up though and Sprint still doesn't care.. I hate them! It's about to be replaced but at least it's working now.
I got a puppy!!!!
She's EVIL but cute. A baby Beagle I named Bella. I need some tips.. I definitely know i'm waiting a LONG time for kids!!! I need to get back to her, that's why I'm in a hurry.

New Years- It was alright. Got my kiss, got drunk etc....
It turned into a couple's night in or something- Dave & Franky were one of the three.. I guess the New Real World premiered last night and the first night there, Franky made out with one of the roommates- A jocky one too! I didn't get to see it yet but I am on it! This is going to be great! I don't know if Dave has seen it yet but I am positive everyone will be sure to let him know all about it! She left the RW house "for him" and got 'Davey's girl at Last' tattooed on her left butt cheek! Also she's been going ALL OUT to kiss some major boyfriend behind: Had a bracelet made reading 'Cassanova', a trucker hat that reads'Dave Rocks' and a belt buckle that reads simply,'dave'... and she was sure to use that RW money to purchase gifts for dave's entire family.. I wonder if it all paid off....
been doing too much sugar..

I'm going to go mind my own business now..

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(no subject)

Dec. 16th, 2003 | 05:19 pm

it seems like i have a lot of catching up to do...

so I've been seeking employment for at least a month now.. this sucks!!! Never in my life have I ever had to try so hard to find a job. I guess I am used to knowing someone who can get me a job somewhere..now I have to actually use social skills.. I'm sure it doesn't help matters now that I have a big red tattoo on the back of my neck..but who wants a job that would discriminate against that anyway? Who am I kidding- I wish I could get a job ANYWHERE right now! I applied at a freakin' bowling alley today.

I sent all of my christmas cards out and now I'm waiting, tapping my foot impatiently, until I recieve half the amount I sent out. We set up our christmas tree a week or so ago- we decorated it with Frankenstein & Tiki lights. We still don't have a topper. This past Friday we had to attend the extended family christmas gathering.. It's so weird because my family doesn't really do much for the holidays- we don't have much of an extended family either..so getting into this whole family thing is kinda weird. We participated in their traditonal "white elephant" gift exchange.. i ended up with a bottle of wine and chocolate covered caramel popcorn! His mamma also bought me a pair of maroon pants and a denim skirt! She likes me.
I still haven't really met many people due to no social life.

I found out back in October that my friend Jennifer was murdered back in August. They found her strangled and I believe nude, in Mississippi(Oxford I believe)- either near a creek or river. She was last seen alive 2 days before they found her(i think she was identified aug 27) at an Oklahoma City Truck Stop! It's still unsolved. That girl was crazy but she was also absolutely sweet! I had actually tried calling her the day I found out- I was trying to get back a couple of shirts and her number was disconnected- her ex-boyfriend called me later that day to tell me- that was strange. I hadn't seen her since May or so.. She will be missed.

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cont...

Dec. 11th, 2003 | 02:30 pm

well... New Orleans.. yes, it smelled like barf and urine but it sure was pretty. PLUS the weather was very warm- like summer degrees! we didn't get to visit the famous graveyards but we shot pictures as we drove past them on the highway..we'll see how well those turn out. We're supposed to get a digital camera soon and a computer so maybe i'll learn how to post pictures on this thing. so we left louisiana and drove to Jackson, MI. We couldn't find anything to do after we checked into the crowne plaza. Luckily we had plenty to smoke and a ceiling to floor window facing the downtown area. It was a nice view on the 10th floor. The following day I ate at a Shoney's for the first time and it was pretty good! I started driving us back towards home. I forgot to mention that we spent one night in Memphis with Tim on our way to N.O. That was pretty fun- we had dinner and then drove to Beale St. to have drinks before watching this crazy movie at Tim's apartment, smoking ourselves into unconciousness. Okay- so back to Monday- we got home monday night. I had just gotten the laundry unpacked and washed..then it seemed like we hadn't even gotten comfortable when we left for Ohio Thurs. This time we didn't stop for long until we got to the Dasyton Crowne Plaza. I was on the phone with my dad and he informed me I was an hour ahead..so that good time we made was crap! Didn't go out the first night. A lot of drama took place in Dayton. One of the guys from the shop came out for his first convention and brought some people with him- a girl and 2 guys. So his girl ended up in the rooms of many a tattoo artist after making out with his best friend! He ended up hooking up with this tiny 21 year old who was married! Luckily I was an amused bystander who got to drink beer all day and night without really being involved. Met a pretty cool girl who was working in the booth next to ours- one of the customers came through with sugar and it was a merry weekend. There was a bar across the street called ELBOS which was connected to the restaurant Chins..uhh.. but they were serving free food and beer for the convention vendors/artists- all weekend! We tried not to freeze and luckily for us there were skywalks! It was crazy- one weekend wearing tank tops in louisiana, the very next- a scarf and hat in ohio. So we returned home that sunday and taking a small break from conventions. Maybe we'll be out in the spring.
I need to go home to get the remainder of my belongings soon.. I dread the trip.

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