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Rainy Days

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Jun. 19th, 2014 | 09:54 am
mood: melancholymelancholy
music: Dag Nasty, Weakerthans, Wu Tang

It's been raining outside and on my face for a couple of weeks now. Just like the weather, there are sunshine breaks and moments of peace. The ever burning questions: why? Why!? The desire to change time, to go back in time. To be able to take action before it's too late. Losing you has been one of the hardest times for me. After 10 years you think you have moved on, created new cares... but the truth remains evident: some people, places and things will have your heart for a lifetime. I can't stop thinking about you and how far away you must have felt to take your life. I wish I would have told you that I never stopped loving you. That while I moved on with my life, you made a huge impact on me and who I am today. I would tell you how I wanted to tell you that a million times but feared stepping on toes, crossing boundaries. I wanted you to be truly happy. To have someone to love you as much as you loved them. You deserved that and so much more. You deserved to love yourself, and I believed you did. I believed your life was better than I could imagine. So I tried not to be jealous of those in your life, but I was. I fantasized about how things would be if we never parted ways. I never bothered you with these thoughts. Kept them to myself, no need to disrupt anyone's lives. Our time had passed and I owed it to you to let go of you. I did, but I kept an eye on you and asked your friends about you. Hoping to know you were happy. What a screeching halt! What a slap in the face! A shocking answer to my heartfelt curiosity.

I hear myself wince as I type this out.

I've been asking you out loud to make some kind of contact with me. So I know you are okay now.  I dreamt of you last night. I didn't get relief. I felt I was trying to convince you to refrain from making the already made decision to leave us. You didn't seem interested. I did get to see you backing up in my car with your best friend in the passenger seat. He had a few cartoonish scoops of ice cream on a cone. You had a snack- maybe a corn dog? I don't know where my mind was taking me... or you, but I am still glad I got to see you. Will you visit me again? I am not going to get over this. I have accepted the facts, but I am not done seeking answers.

I love you and I miss you and I am sorry we couldn't take away your pain.

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